Football Reports

Part One

I've been giving a little thought to what I like and dislike about football match reports.

The best ones come across like an impressionist painting; expressing the feel of a game without getting bogged down in the minutiae of corner counts and possession. Chronological reporting or (more crass) obvious bias are the worst and I generally find that last gasp equalisers or late winners skewer the report as (I guess) it's mostly written by the final whistle and balanced towards the result after 85 minutes or so.

The stretched analogy is another process which can irritate. At its best, say Stuart Hall fixing on Imperial Rome or a Russian Circus and wrapping his report around it, you’re carried along in the slipstream. Delivery plays a part of course, but others stretch the theme until it snaps under tenuous pressure. I recall a Bradford City report from the Sunday Times incorporating Peter Mandelson, the US election and Angus Deayton. The game itself barely got a mention and Bradford were relegated that day.

Part Two - The Tabloids
The tabloids often stumble across a decent pun (I remember the Freund or Foe headline for a Spurs vs West Ham game some seasons back that sadly can never happen again). But for each of these there is a counterpoint in Chop Souey and Kieran Dire. Over and over again.

I find the reports themselves aren’t too dissimilar to the broadsheets, although the format is more fractious and complimented by more action-orientated photographs. Paragraphs are generally shorter and punctuated with brassy headings, 'Cruel' or 'Giant' for the cup final on Sunday though the references are oblique.

What I like about the tabloids are the player scores. Objectivity and memory are minor factors in determining these marks out of ten. Cross-referencing to the report itself is another reconciliation process fraught with auditing issues. It goes something like this: All players score sixes or sevens unless, scored a goal = eight, sent off = four.

In the 2005 season, Juan Ugarte of Wrexham scored 5 in a 6-4 win. The NOTW gave him an 8. I also remember the same paper giving the Czech tackle monster Tomas Repka a zero after one shite performance. And it flattered him.

Part Three - Sunday vs Monday
The latter incorporating the fallout from the weekend and weaving quotes into the body of the report. Less action, more reaction and you’ve seen the goals 30 times on Sky anyway. Those bringing in crowd chants are also weak. "You're not singing anymore" the crowd sang. Well, never. It looks like padding and unless it's non-generic it really isn't necessary.